So did you hear about the Morgans?  If not, consider yourself lucky.  If so, and you were thinking of seeing the film, let’s warn you away, shall we?

Did You Hear About The Morgans? is a by-the-romantic-comedy-book bore.  The Morgans (Hugh Grant and Sarah Jessica Parker) are a married but separated couple who have dinner one night and while on a walk, witness a murder.  They are forced into the Witness Relocation Program and in turn, forced to spend time with each other.

It has an intriguing and somewhat unique enough premise, or at least one that should have made it stand out from other romantic comedies.  But once the creators had the initial idea, they let laziness set in.  They went with all the elements a romantic comedy has to have.  You start with the initial casting of a Sarah Jessica Parker and a Hugh Grant.  You make sure they bicker.  You put them in a fish-out-of-water setting like a small town in backwater Wyoming.  You throw in a quirky but motherly character played by Mary Steenburgen, who’s on a matronly roll with Step Brothers, Four Christmases and The Proposal (where she played almost the same role in almost the same movie).

But the real laziness is in the script.  There are very few twists, and any that are thrown in you can see coming a mile away.  The crime part of the story couldn’t be less simple.  The Morgans see the crime and are whisked away so fast they barely register an emotion about how they feel about it. Heck, they barely react to having seen a murder.  Sure their mouths are agape, but they get over it pretty quick really.  And the Witness Relocation?  I don’t know anyone in the program (or do I?), but they must do more work than this to hide someone’s identity.  Meryl and Paul Morgan become Meryl and Paul Foster – yes, the same first names.  And without giving away too much, even I could find them once they go into hiding.

The small town of Ray, Wyoming is just what Hollywood thinks a small town is.  It has charming folks with guns and cowboy hats who drive pickup trucks and have great advice on the true meaning of life.  There’s the inevitable culture clash between the spoiled liberal city slickers and the conservative family value meat eaters.  The lazy script keeps it all very superficial but throws in buzz words like “PETA” and “Sarah Palin” to reach the lowest common denominator and make them think they’re getting sophisticated political humor.

Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant do just enough to remind you they’re Sarah Jessica Parker and Hugh Grant and aren’t other actors in disguise.  She’s a quirky yet sophisticated gal who loves New York City and wants to talk about her relationships.  He’s a droll Englishman with a witty charm who hides his true feelings.  They’ve each done these parts so many times before that they’re just phoning it in here.  Their delivery is so slow and so familiar; they both seem bored the entire time.  It’s too bad, because for fans of romantic comedies this should have been a dream pairing.

There is an amusing subplot.  Once separated, Meryl and Paul are each so busy in their careers that they can’t even schedule time with one another. So their personal assistants do it for them.  Jesse Liebman and Mad Men’s Elisabeth Moss do a nice job in their supporting roles and in developing a little romance between the characters.  Unfortunately the Morgans are whisked off to Wyoming before we can see enough of their assistants.

That subplot is also a bit ironic.  Parker and Grant are talented actors who have made some good choices and some bad choices in their careers.  You kind of wonder if they let their assistants pick this one for them.  If they’d only talked to each other ahead of time…