One of the many characters in Valentine’s Day throws an annual “I Hate Valentine’s Day Party” – she thinks it’s way over-rated and the pressure to have a spectacular day often leads to disappointment.

Was Jessica Biel channeling director Garry Marshall (Pretty Woman, The Princess Diaries) when playing those scenes?  It sure feels like Marshall felt some pressure to make a new holiday classic – the kind of movie that will get guaranteed airings on cable (or at least guaranteed rentals) every February 14th.  So he threw every possible movie star he could get a hold of into the movie to make sure lots of people will want to see it.

Valentine’s Day’s interlocking romantic stories of people who know each other directly or tangentially is reminiscent of last year’s He’s Just Not That Into You (which no one was really into) or the far superior Love, Actually, which has somehow evolved into a Christmas-time holiday tradition.  People want to see Love, Actually every year because of its clever storylines and charming characters.   To the contrary, Valentine’s Day has nothing going for it but star power.

Since all the movie really offers is big stars playing people who are connected getting paired off, we’ll describe the cast in pairs and point out how they’re kind of linked.  Marshall gives us two Jessicas (Alba & Biel), two Taylors (Swift & Lautner), two Roberts sisters (Julia & Emma), two stars of Grey’s Anatomy (Patrick “McDreamy” Dempsey & Eric “McSteamy” Bane), two stars of That ‘70s Show  (Ashton Kutcher & Topher Grace), two older women (Shirley MacLaine & Kathy Bates) two Hispanics (George Lopez & Hector Elizondo), and two African-Americans (Jamie Foxx & Queen Latifah). 

I’m sorry to say Foxx and Latifah do come off as token blacks.  I credit them giving Foxx an interracial romance, but I feel I have to point the tokenism out since Valentine’s Day gives them each a little “black” joke.  I won’t dwell on the only Hispanic playing a Hispanic (Lopez) plays a flower delivery guy.

Three people who have been in romantic comedies before -- Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Garner and Anne Hathaway round out the cast.

Is that everyone?  It’s hard to tell, because with so many people crammed in there, it’s really hard for anyone to stand out – especially since the storylines are no better than what you see in the average sitcom.   They’re all easily wrapped up in half an hour, and on their own, none are worthy of their own movie.  Heck, sitcoms Friends and Sex & the City each did far better jobs of juggling romantic storylines and multiple characters. 

The biggest stars in the movie are arguably Julia Roberts and Jamie Foxx, and their fans should know they’re each barely utilized.  Roberts’ storyline is especially odd – she’s chatting on a plane with Bradley Cooper about life and love and where they’re heading.  For some reason, they don’t reveal to each other where they’re heading or who they’re seeing, yet I’d be hard-pressed to figure out why they couldn’t share that with each other.  Marshall doesn’t let the characters surprise each other just to give the audience a surprise.

If any two stars do stand out, it would be Ashton Kutcher as a flower shop owner and Jennifer Garner as his best friend.  His enthusiasm about the world, romance and his customers is sometimes infectious, and he and Garner make a good onscreen duo.

Also to Valentine’s Day’s credit, the storylines may not be memorable, but they’re relatively benign.  There’s a little pillow talk and some jokes about phone sex, but the movie is much more about love and romance than it is about sex.  Next Valentine’s Day, you could rent the movie and take it to a family gathering, especially if your Mom or Grandma likes that nice Julia Roberts or George Lopez.

Valentine's Day (2010)
Genre: Comedy
Release Date: 12 February, 2010  (Showtimes & Tickets)
Studio: Warner Bros. Pictures